Monday, 14 August 2017

One More (Light) Too Many

2016/2017 was a great term. It was my first clinical year. Started fresh. Constructing goals and planning my year ahead. Convincing myself that this term would be much better from the previous two. I consider this my honeymoon year. Extremely excited for clinical teachings and finally being able to do things my way. Keeping my fingers crossed that everything would go well, and it did!

Here are some highlights throughout the year.

I fell in love (professionally) with the patients in the ward. Kelantanese are among the nicest people I've met in my two decades of living. We medical students have to practice our History Taking skills which can be lengthy, but it's crucial in process of making the right diagnosis. It would really make my day if my patient (despite being ill) is willing to share their story. Some even share their personal life stories and it's really interesting to see where they came from.

The kids in Paediatrics ward stole my heart away. It's an amazing feeling of happiness sprinkled with satisfaction when we get to see a worn-out and helpless looking child on admission who recovers throughout the treatment and suddenly turns into a mini happy monster running around the ward. Oh oh, there was once when I carried a child with Down Syndrome with no stranger anxiety and she was looking at me with her innocent googly eyes. She slept too not long after I carried her. I had that warm fuzzy feeling inside. Could be my fatherly instinct, you'll never know.

Throughout the year, aside from clinical stuff, I was pretty satisfied with everything. I got to represent my campus for a Frisbee Tournament. Might not sound like much, but being a potato that I am, it's certainly an achievement worth noting down.

Started joining volunteering programs! That's another tick off my non-existing, imaginary bucket lists. Ran a Charity Breakfast program in my school. It's a small program. But hey, for an idea that i got while thinking in the shower, it turned out pretty great. Couldn't have done it without my inspiring team though. 

It's not always sunshine and rainbows, here in Siang's land.
I have my gloomy days too and seems like monsoon came early this year.

I owe it to my complicated mind. I have the tendency to overthink things which would induce unnecessary stress. I kept it to myself. I mean, everyone would get stressed out at one point. Mine happens to be now and i just have to deal with it. 

It's scary when you can relate to most of the depressive songs in LP's new album, One More Light. Favourite album by far in 2017! 

I do not have clinical depression, but I was depressed. Concentrating on my daily task is a struggle. I sleep a lot. I contact my family less frequently. Socializing is exhausting. The only thing i look forward to is going to bed; foolish attempts of sleeping it off. I started having nightmares. I began to lose hold of myself. Everything seems so heavy and I cried.

Hey, I'm no superhuman. 

I didn't open up, at first. I tried hard to bury it hoping that no one would notice the loose dirt. 
One might say opening up will make us look weak but I don't believe in that bs. I did not open up because opening up to the wrong person is just as useless. So putting on a smiley mask was better option.

In the end, I did find my way to open up and trust me, talking helps a lot.
Along the way, I've learn that if you can't take good care of yourself, nobody else will. Know that even the rarest disease is shared by few. Whatever your situation may be, odds are, there will be those who has the same experience as you. We're never alone with our problems. You just got to find the right support group. Seek help from professionals if you have to.

Open up a picture file of a beautiful scenery and zoom it to it's smallest pixel.
That's how we see life when we're too focus on one particular problem in our life.

When in reality, if we open our mind (zoom out), live a little more (enjoy the details)

and live our life as a whole (look at the scenery as a whole), this world is a wonderful place be live in.

Hakuna Matata babeh.

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